Laptop Television Mom

Q: What do you do when you are on deadline for work, but there is a new episode of 24 on the tube?   

A: TiVo.  The new season of 24 is awesome, but it’s not laptop television. There is no multi-tasking when Jack Bauer is saving the world. 

Below you will find "The World According to Jack Bauer."  I did not write it, but it’s so clever I wish I had …

• It is a little known fact that Jack Bauer’s tears cure cancer. The problem is Jack never cries.
• If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
• Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
• Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
• Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
• Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
• If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
• If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
• Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
• While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
• David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
• Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
• Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
• Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
• As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were "There’s no time!"
• Jack Bauer isn’t hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
• Children don’t believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
• If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
• Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
• Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
• Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• Jack Bauer shouldn’t be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.